Keeping [mentally] afloat in the [social] ocean
I’m not going to mince words… the past few months have been very very tough. In fact: they fucking sucked.
Not including my own struggles, but watching the world around me begin to crumple up and burn like I’m an ant stuck on a wad of paper in a camp fire has really given perspective to things. Not just within my life, but in the world as a whole. It’s something I have been thinking about recently; just how relevant the things around us are to functioning as normal humans. Dread, anxiety, depression, all of them have roots that come from so many angles, and its so hard to comprehend when everything around you seems to be swarming in.
As I do every year, I created a list of goals I want to try and accomplish. Many of them are personal goals that relate to just… every day things, such as: “Try and make more money (of course),” or “be a better partner in my relationship.” I even tried to branch into creative goals. This year, I am going to begin the process and hopefully complete my very first set of jackets for sale. I also aim to get my website to full operation by the summer time. But, even as I make these goals that aim to better myself, I cant help but sit here and feel like there are things that are missing.
I am no stranger to mental health and the struggles that come with it. I am also incredibly vocal about my own mental health. Even in the time of writing this, I can report that things have not been good in that department. Lets face it, I can make goals and set milestones as much as I want, but in the end, they’re nothing but words unless I can act on them. As I’ve been getting older and older, I feel like these things have been so much harder to put action to. It may be because the world is onfire. Hell, maybe its because I’m doing this… thing (gesturing to all of my artistic and hopefully future business endeavors) without knowing what the hell I am doing. There’s so much happening, its so hard to keep focus on the little things.
But what am I “missing”? What is keeping this hollow pit feeling in my stomach when I look to the future? Sometimes I think its an uncertainty, like when you’re not sure if something will work, and you’re trying to fill the void so it can just go away. Or, maybe its just a realization that my drive to push forward is just bogged down by every-day needs. My want to be creative and the time I can take to be creative is gummed up by responsibilities and time for my real job; only to have me “missing” my creative passions. Regardless of what I may be missing in terms of getting from planning to success, part of my problem on top of this is trying to figure out… just how the hell do I keep from getting discouraged in order to hit my goals?
On top of all that, managing the climate of the social skillet has been absolute hell in terms of “Why do this? WWIII is around the corner.” A new day, a new social injustice… It often leads to the “why do this?” spiral I find myself in often. Its like being stuck in the mud just spinning your tires. After a while, traction just feels impossible and you’re doomed to be stuck there forever. The last few months have felt like drowning in your bathtub, and keeping my head above water has not been easy.
My focus, or attempt to find such a thing, has been lying in the very craft itself. I absolutely love what I do in terms of my escape from the world. I continue to sew, to create, not even for the inevitable crossroads of “Does this make me money, or no?” But in the greater scheme of escaping all the bad things in the world. I know many people might find it cowardice, but sometimes, sticking your head in the sand so the world around you isn’t so loud, even if just for a second, can help keep you afloat. Even yesterday, as I sat brooding in my basement over social situations and relationships that evolve around me without notice, I cocooned myself in my basement workshop and just worked. No phone distractions, no doomscrolling, no situations I needed to handle. Just threading a needle and cursing at my bobbin when it ran out of thread.
Even if I feel like I am drowning sometimes, I find some peace in knowing that I have something that can give me just a breath of fresh air. Something that allows me to shut off my brain and process things. I think everyone needs that now-and-again. Even when you feel like everything is collapsing, sometimes, finding the MUTE button for the explosions and the ramblings just… needs to happen. Sure, it may feel like you’re letting the world win… but I know many of the war movies I watch would just call it a tactical retreat; a small rest before tackling something else. Find your zen, find whatever you can throw yourself into for an hour, maybe several, and just get lost in it. The world, its fires, and all it’s problems, are still going to be there when you get back.
Take care of yourselves out there.
