Some other Beginning’s End…

I’ll be honest with you, starting something is the hardest part of anything…

Believe me when I tell you I have re-written this about 12 times already. Every time I write this, I always think that I’m going to say something meaningful. Honestly, I think I just need to type out everything and just see where it goes. Lets just start with what I wanna make of this blog.

Really, I just want to type out my thoughts to make them make sense, you know? Sometimes its hard to really do that with all the noise happening in my mind. I’ve been told that a noisy mind means an active imagination, but really, it just leads to more noise, more clutter, and a really hard time just focusing on things. You know… the whole “Gifted child” thing from school? Sometimes its just your brain rattling the cage to just word vomit in order to make things smoother. Sometimes, its just your mind telling you that you need to dump it all on the table to really sort it all out.

So, I have this thing. I started one thing, changed it, and now I have this thing. To clarify, this whole [website] thing started off as “Fuzzforge”; a project I began in 2005 that involved talents I had creating unique things that people thought were cool. I wanted to get that out in the world. Not to mention, like most people in my shoes, I wanted to possibly profit off it. Once I had enough income to get the voice of my talents up (aka the previous website), the question I asked myself constantly was “Now what?”

You see, my talents were cool, but there was only so far I could take it. That question of “now what?” plagued me for such a long time. Every time I tried to add something to the website, I just felt like I was going nowhere. Even as I ventured into creating new things and branching into new talents, there was this feeling in the center of my chest that would not go away. I just felt like nothing I did was good enough for the eyes of the world around me. I felt like the people who liked what I did were almost like hungry animals, and no matter what I fed them, nothing made them better. Nothing made the pit in my chest feel any less.

In 2019, even though I had a website, I had projects… I eventually just stopped with everything. My projects became secret, I stopped posting a ton, and I stopped feeding the animals. Depression really sucks, you know? It’s a hole that you just don’t climb out of. You may not see sunlight for weeks, months… years. Things that make you happy just don’t anymore, and the world just feels like its a stale radio snowstorm in the background while you try and find something to watch.

I think I reached a breaking point in the silence around 2024. Of course, I worked on things here and there, and of course, I’d post about them from time to time. I wanted to make something meaningful. By this point, I left figure making in the past and was full on into sewing. There was a little fame and such; I had my jackets that could stick out in the crowd, and here and there I’d get complements. However, I felt like there could be more. Online, I would see so many incredible creations, so many awesome things people made by hand… Things I wanted to make; things I could make.

That is when I decided on the rebrand.

That brings us to this moment here. The blog, the website, my new name “Benny’s”. What is all of this? Not just a question for you to me, but for me to myself.

Like all good projects, I think this needs to start small and become whatever it does. I’ve always been fascinated by brands and their impact in the clothing world. Like any good brand, they started from a basement, a garage… somewhere small. In the realm of the internet, this website is going to be my “small”. First, I want to actually get this thing fleshed out. I want to do a much better job organizing it, unlike the last attempt I did. For now, you’re going to see some missing links, some buttons that lead to nowhere. That’s part of the process, but for now, it’s a start.

Once I get everything uploaded, my next goal is to challenge myself. I spent the majority of my career modifying, never making. That is going to change. Next year, I want to start making clothing from scratch. I’ll go into what my plans are in the coming months, but for now, I have some cool things planned (You’ll want to follow my socials for more).

After I complete those, its at that point I see if this is a viable option to sell. Maybe my stuff isn’t going to be a massive hit right off the bat, or, maybe what I make sits for a while until it finds the right home. The key right now is to keep momentum going.

I’ll be honest with you, I am scared out of my fucking mind. Not of trying new things… but of failing. And its not even the act of failing I am scared of. I was really never taught the flip-side of what it means to fail. There was always some sort of fall back. Maybe it was my parents, or, maybe it was just another idea that was easy to slot right into place if the first one didn’t work. This? This has no fallback. I am going to give this my all, and if I fail? That is what I am scared of. Its just this unknown of what is waiting for me. Me, the planner; Me, the one who always tries to think ahead.

You’ve got a pretty good glimpse of what I’m thinking about now. Consider my brain and thoughts spilled before you. The blog may be about some of the same. It could be about whatever I am thinking… maybe a review? Again, I’m trying my best to just plot what I can and take the rest as it comes.

Thank you for reading this far. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Lets get started on something awesome.